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Hollyweird

Hollywood

As a kid, I hated Hollywood… a lot. Not the city, though. I actually liked the city of Hollywood growing up. It was an interesting place. I’ll write about that later.

But let’s fast-forward to the year 2020, a year I couldn’t even comprehend in 1987. We should be on top of our game. We have so much technology, that we could be automating most of our lives in the form of convenience, but we humans love to just kill a good thing. One of the things we shot dead in the heart in spite of our incredible technological advancements, was Hollywood. How did we do it?

I don’t know, I really don’t know. Was it the inherent narcissism of celebrities? Was it their unsolicited political advice on Instagram? CGI? Was it the special effects? I began hating special effects in maybe 1989. That was when special effects in movies really started to get under my skin. I thought the unnecessary enhancements would eventually ruin the theatrical part of a movie. What do I mean by that? Watch an episode of Star Trek, Brady Bunch or Police Woman. Just watch anything from that era, and you’ll see a theatrical performance with minimal enhancements. William Shatner was an expert. He could convey his statements across a stage. It’s a great feeling, like as if you were right there in the front row. We don’t see that in movies at all anymore.

What you do see is second-grade entertainment. I have friends that can’t miss a Marvel movie. Yuck. I saw the Tim Burton Batman movies. I’m a happy customer and I’ve moved on. I want stories, I want performance. I want drama, not soap. I also don’t want to be taught a lesson. There’s always this lesson they need to teach. You see? You are a little racist, aren’t you? You see, you really do limit the woman’s potential, don’t you? You see, you are killing the planet, see? Spare me the crap!

Here’s what I’d LOVE to see. A full-blown movie made on an iPhone. Now, that would be classic! You know, it’s possible. iPhones have great cameras and microphones now. An entire movie could be made on an iPhone with the help of cloud technology and a robust laptop computer. I’d love to see a great commanding performer deliver his theatrical lines across a center stage, and win over the love of his life, under budget and ahead of schedule. And the theatrical release? Why YouTube would be a great place, but YouTube is killing their own infrastructure. Good job guys.

But this is not Hollywood. This is you. You see, Hollywood is dead. I mean, it’s been completely mangled and really there’s no return. Let me make you throw up. Are you ready?

Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt. You see, I got you! You just threw up in your mouth.

I’m so sorry I did that to you.

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